Freedom begins the moment you realise someone else has been writing your story and its time you took the pen from his hand and started writing it yourself.

This morning I awoke to that surreal feeling... That beautiful calmness of the subconscious mind. Fresh from dreaming of a world full of love, laughter and happiness. A world full of content... peacefulness. There is no pain, no tears, no selfishness. A world where butterflies dance over rainbows, unicorns not only exist but spend their days frolicking in the shallow water of the waterfall-fed spring. This world is an Island and on that Island amongst the beautiful colours of the tall rainforest trees, there is a secluded cottage. A place I can call Home.

Without warning, my thoughts came crashing into my conscious mind, weighing me down, crushing my chest, making it hard to breathe. A cruel reality that reminded me we are in an environment of man made hatred. Because reality is full of people. People are what cause hurt, pain, anger, jealousy and disharmony. We do this to ourselves... to each other. We know how to devastate each other, we know how it feels to be hurt and yet we do it anyway. And not just accidental hurt, but cruel, deliberate, calculating, deceitful torture.

A world where we rarely see kindness, but we are all encouraged to do "random acts of kindness". In Australia alone, around 2000 people committed suicide last year. Our divorce rate is sitting at about 43% and 1 in every 3 Australians is a victim of crime... We do this to ourselves, to each other. Where is the compassion for others? Where did we all get so lost that THIS is normal? Have people lost the ability to succeed without bringing down others? I guess this is why we should be careful what we wish for.

Never settle for the path of least resistance.

When you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden. Love and nurture your own soul. And... hope for the best!


"Worry is interest paid on a debt you may never owe."


.....So, why is it so hard to let go?


Sometimes, I think it would be easier and a relief to just walk away. Yes, it would hurt. It would hurt so very much. A deep, stabbing, heart wrenching pain. But at what point do you start to compare the on-going discomfort of staying with the immense but final pain of leaving?

And then I remember the good times....

Running away doesn't seem so enticing anymore. Maybe it's time to give fate a fighting chance. To go back to having fun, living life instead of just exisiting.

Maybe it's time to take chances.


Jessie

When the nights have been too lonely and the days so sad:

"Just remember beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room. So if you see darkness in your life, just be reassured a beautiful picture is being prepared. And soon you will have a brand new healed scar to wear with pride. The time will be right to get out and explore the wonders of the world once again. After all, it is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."

If the truth is you're a liar...

There is just something about scars... I think they are beautiful. They represent the end of hurt, a closed and healed wound. A time where the rain that hides your tears is no longer your best friend. A sign of survival, a mark of strength and a reminder of what you are capable of. Sometimes scars are something to look forward to.

And wrinkles... I think they are magnificent. A true map of a life lived. What is it with wrinkles that makes people try and hide them? Everyone seems so worried and ashamed of wrinkles... I think they should be worn with pride, a badge of wisdom etched deep into the skin. There is extreme beauty in the marks our lives leave on our bodies. They make us who we are, without them and the experiences they came from, we wouldn't be the same. As much as most people want to be different, they want to have more and meet their expectation of perfection. In reality, we are all perfect the way we are. Perfectly unique... Actually, I don't believe that at all. As much as I would love to think its true, I believe there are a lot of people that are deliberately malicious. Cowardliness is not perfection, it is not beautiful and it is not O.K. I just wish these people were easier to identify. Maybe a flashing neon sign that screams "JERK ALERT" would help. At least it would be more obvious than someone who disguised themselves as your friend for the previous 20 years... I'm just saying!


Now that's out of my system (for now) I will get back on track. My point is this: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and sometimes perfection isn't perfect. Why is it, do you think, that we are drawn to our Grand Parents? I know for me, it was the wisdom, the stories - some of which I'm sure were exaggerated, if they weren't I don't know what all the fuss is about with "the youth of today". I would never DREAM of doing some of the things my Grand Father was said to have done! But it wasn't just the stories, supported by scars and wrinkles, which I could touch. I loved the texture of my grand mother's skin. It was so soft, thin and delicate but she was also so strong. A real contradiction. It was also the love, protection, guidance and general knowledge on everything that would draw me in time and time again. The life lessons, the opinions, the home remedies, the cooking and the honest interest in each others lives. The teacher and the student, the gap in generations that allowed the young and old to share openly without criticism. We love everything about them, we wouldn't change the way they look or smell or act. They are the people we most respect in our lives and yet we fight to be nothing like them. We fight aging when the alternative is to die young... There is seriously something wrong with our perception of the World.

It all comes down to equality. If people didn't have money to spend (read: waste) on things like plastic surgery and botox, we would ALL be wrinkly together, so no one would mind. If no one ironed their clothes... I mean what exactly does ironing achieve? I know it makes your clothes wrinkle free (this is how vain we really are, even our clothes can't have wrinkles) but it doesn't make you smarter or more successful, so what's the point? It's a waste of time that could be better spent with our families, or even cooking a decent meal. So, my solution to this problem is simple. Become a Hippie, embrace the free-love approach to life, don't iron your clothes, only work when you need to, never save any money, don't critisise other people and learn to laugh at yourself!

Too many people spend too much time and energy portraying a fake life to the world so they are perceived as being better / more successful / happier than they really are... That's not living. No wonder people want to hide their wrinkles, you can wear smile lines with pride, but the wrinkles left from frowning and lying make you look like you have the face of a smacked bum.

Jessie

Bring on the open roads! ...maybe...

Friday I had my last motorcycle lesson. It was my last lesson because despite all of my faults, or maybe because of them, Mark decided to give me my license...

It was fairly uneventful compared to my last three lessons. I didn't even stall the bike once! Maybe that's the only thing Mark wanted from me, or the only thing he was HOPING I would be able to manage. But apparently I surprised him with my extreme talent at emergency braking. What else do I really need to know? I take off like a "rocket launcher" - Mark's words... and I can stop in a hurry without stalling. I'm SET!!

The obsticle avoidance exercise was extremely boring, nothing like I thought it would be... Mark had a course set up with witches hats - no surprise at all! It was merely swerving, I've done heaps of that, not necessarily deliberately, but I have wobbled the bike all over the road which is very similar to swerving, right? The only difference was I had to pretend I was in control and remember when to pull the clutch in and brake. Oh, and there was the head check too, but I don't have to move my eyes off where I'm going, if I move my head, Mark thinks I'm doing it right.

We did some more road time, which was great but again Mark kept telling me to go faster. I WAS going faster, faster than I have any other time! So, I got my revenge on him... I got to ride up front for the first time, and I took off on him while giving him the "go faster" sign. As we pulled up at a set of lights, a laughing Mark informed me that we didn't need to catch the cars in front of us. I replied with a simple, "I know."

I was pretty proud of myself, no stalling, no falling off and generally nothing too stupid... or so I thought, until the very end of the ride when we were parking the bikes. Mark instructed me to park the bike next to him on the grass - easy enough... except the kickstand got stuck in the grass, and yep, I dropped the bike... onto myself. Luckily the bike is small and I'm pretty strong so I managed to catch it, push it back into place and get the stand down before running away from it. I turned around just in time to see Mark giggling at me. I guess that was his revenge for all the grey hairs I have given him.

It doesn't matter though, the end result is I passed!! Without any damage to me or the bike. YAY!! And on top of all that, I go straight onto my open license, so no giant "P" for me!!

Now it's time to buy a bike...


Jessie

Biker Chick

Today, was my third motorcycle lesson. It has been just over a week since my last lesson, and believe it or not, I have actually remembered most of the stuff Mark has taught me! I say, most, but in reality I have remembered pretty much everything, but Mark tends to change the way he asks his questions... and sometimes he changes his answers. I just can't win!

Mark was late again today but at least he is being consistent! He did seem less stressed when he saw me, so I guess that's a good sign... I mean he didn't sigh or groan or try to leave this time. Maybe it's because he knows this is the downhill run for us. I only have 2 hours left before I am set loose on the road, unaccompanied, unsupervised and unassisted. That seems to terrify me more than anyone! No, actually, it terrifies my parents more than me. They are convinced I will kill myself but they also have refused to buy me a bike helmet for my birthday. I have told them I NEED a helmet for when I fall off so I don't die, but that didn't go down too well... Some people have NO sense of humour! And I haven't even told them Mark's theory of "when your time's up, your time is up."

Today I was heaps better on the bike. I managed to ride for about an hour before stalling the bike. Again, I did it in a most graceful public manner. We had stopped at a set of lights, Mark reversed his bike up beside me to have a chat, as we do - he makes me tell him about my observations of the world, when I thought I would be really clever and point out the driver beside us reading a novel whilst driving. This would have been fine, if I didn't use my left hand... taking it off the clutch... Mark just looked down, shook his head and left me for dead. I honestly think he is proud of me. Why else would he leave me to sort it out myself?

We did heaps of on-road work today. Which is great, because I need the practise. Mark has said at the end of my next session (my LAST) that we will do some runs up and down the highway... I have said I NEED it, but it still scares me.... I mean it is a 250 that I have to ride! But, I guess it's better that I do it while I have Mark to pull me out from under a truck. At least I know he will abuse the truck driver. After today I realised how passionate Mark is about "wankers" that bully learner riders.

I had one of these drivers, male I might add, that decided to overtake both of us on a country road, in the middle of a blind curve. This was after he had been riding my back wheel for the previous 2km, even though I was already exceeding the speed limit. Mark previously told me if this happened to start with flicking my brake lights on and off to warn them to back off. If that didn't work, to drive through the gravelly debris on the road and flick it on the offending car all while moving around a lot on the bike so I was being unpredictable. I think I just pissed him off because he almost side swiped me on the way through, and then he had Mark to deal with. And what a show that was! Mark waited for the car to be beside him (in the wrong lane, on a blind corner) then he let loose! It was awesome! There was all sorts of hand gestures, starting with waving a middle finger and ending in a closed fist pumping back and forth from the front of his helmet area, effectively indicating Mark thought the guy in the car was a dickhead. He then matched the cars speed, stopping him from being able to merge back onto the left side of the road. I decided to back off at this point, figuring I would have to scrape Mark off the road in the next few minutes after this guy turned him into a blood sprinkler. Fortunately for me, (I'm not sure how I would cope with all that blood and muck), Mark let the guy go with a final fist shaking. All this before 9am... I'm not cut out for this kind of drama!

We then headed off to do some off-road work, which it turns out today the car park of choice was full. Which to me means we should go to one of the other car parks, but to Mark, it means I will have to be careful and not look at the cars or I will end up hitting one. We started with figure 8's and then moved to weaving, I thought we should have done it the other way around, and apparently he normally does but there was no room. In response to my protests of "Why would you do that to me? Throwing me in the deep-end? You know I get nervous!" Mark replied with, "Stop being a princess, you handled it! *wink*" It turns out I'm actually pretty good with the weaving and my figure 8's were a little shaky to start with, but came good after a few laps. Even with Mark yelling "look at the ground and see what happens!" and me yelling back "NO!! I will fall off!" I managed to survive and keep the bike upright the WHOLE time.

After leaving the car park, we did some more road time and I had the pleasant experience of encountering a garbage truck. Not only did I have issues with cars cutting me off to get around the truck, but I also had the joy of the glorious aromas of rotting garbage blowing straight into my face. The only positive I could get out of this situation was that Mark got cut off really badly and almost ran up the bum of a car. I found this amusing because he keeps hassling me about my following distance being too far... I managed to stop easily enough... I'm just saying!

Mark decided to give me some instruction before we continued on with our ride. He thought that I needed to be more aggressive and stand my ground more when riding. I tend to hang back and observe whats going on... if people want to merge, I let them in. I stop for red lights and I generally stick to the speed limit. These are all things Mark wants me to stop doing. So today, I tried... Unsuccessfully. I managed to stand my ground on two different cars that tried to cut me off and I hated every second of it! I just don't think it's very intelligent to take on a car or truck or pretty much anything while you are on a bike. Why would I stir them up? Why would I encourage them to dislike me? They can do a lot more damage to me than I can to them! Mark says they won't deliberately kill me while there are witnesses all around - NOT COMFORTING! So, I kept stopping at red lights, even if Mark didn't. I kept my distance, even with Mark telling me to hurry up and get closer and I kept letting cars merge into my lane. I think I will stand my ground on this one with Mark, I don't think he wanted me to be stubborn to him, but at least he can see me being stubborn, so it's not a complete failure!

My next session is meant to cover emergency braking and counter steering. I really want to know HOW Mark plans on doing this, because if it's not a surprise reaction, it's not an emergency. Which means it's not real. I have this image in my head of Mark throwing something at me to cause the emergency, which I'm sure he would LOVE, but I am likely to put the bike down if he does that... I guess we will see soon enough.


Jessie