Broken Promises

Marriage is said to be forever... 'til death do you part. For better or worse, in sickness and in health.... Promises made in front of your closest family and friends and in front of God. Yep, thats some pretty major promises, and I broke them. But, in my defence, marriage is also meant to be a happy union. Or so the fairy tales say. We have all read them with their expectation building "knight in shining armour" and their "happily ever after" rubbish. Not once have I read a fairy tale that eluded to the fact that love may be impersonated. But I guess I have never read a fairy tale that has a strong-willed independant woman as a lead character either... It turns out my life is NOT a fairy tale.

I have been told I am a disappointment, a quitter, a heartless bitch... and thats not including the names the in-laws called me. Of course the whole marriage break down was my fault and I was happy to accept the blame and to lose everything if it meant getting out of my situation. On the outside everything looked fine. No one had any idea of the daily hell I endured behind closed doors. No one knew because slowly, day by day each and every one of my friends was slowly pushed away. I was isolated, I was in a situation where I needed help and had no one to turn to. No one that would believe me, no one that would understand, or so I thought.

I wish I could say that we "just grew apart" or even easier would be if he was to blame by being unfaithful. Instead I had to try and explain to people that despite what they saw in public, that was NOT our relationship. That was an act. A show put on to make everyone believe that we were fine, a couple in love. But in truth, it wasn't love. Not even close and it has taken me many years to realise and admit that. The sad part in this whole matter is that I had to JUSTIFY myself to people. The same people that had once been my friends but had accepted being pushed away. The same people that had never fought to keep my friendship. The same people that I thought I would need support from to get through this difficult time... I was wrong. I should never have tried to justify my decision. At the end of the day there are only 2 people in this world that know what happened in that house. People will judge you no matter what you say or do, so why try and change their minds? And why let it get to you?

Looking back at my marriage I am ashamed at the peson I had become. I was never the type of girl to let anyone walk all over me. I was always independant and strong-willed, I always voiced my opinion on subjects I was passionate about, but that was before. The old saying "If you hear something enough you start to believe it" was very true in my case. I started to believe that I was worthless, that my opinion meant nothing. That I was no one, just a number and no one loved or cared about me. And worst of all, no one would believe me. You don't trust anyone because they are only nice to you because "they feel sorry for you" or because you are "the wife". I had never felt so alone...

I lost my passion, my spark, my zest for life. I was unhappy and I couldn't see a way out. The empty threats didn't feel empty at the time. I was scared and in my mind, had no future. All the promised plans were denied, my freedom was removed and my only outlet was being slowly torn away from me. For me, it was now or never. If I didn't do something about my situation I knew it would be too late. At best, I would be stuck in a controlled unhappy environment at worst I would be another statistic.

I turned to the only person I knew would listen. I rang my mum... She didn't doubt a single word I said. She saw my bruises and she saw my shattered soul. Between my mum and my dad, they made it their mission to get their little girl out safe. They are the ones that supported me and pushed me to fight for my belongings. I was willing to walk away from everything and that meant losing a lot. I didn't care if I had to start over, I was grateful to be able to start over. Not all woman in my situation are lucky enough to get out, let alone have a second chance. I knew I was lucky and I didn't want to take any chances.

It was a long hard road. A journey that tested the strength of my family. A fight that almost tore us apart many times. A nightmare that lasted a long time, a very long time. I don't regret many things about my life, but I regret getting married. I regret ever meeting the man. I know I should be grateful for the lessons I have learned, but I'm not. I used to trust people. I used to see the beauty in everything. I used to believe that people were ...good, kind, caring, loving. I used to believe that people didn't have to have a motive. Now, I am wary of people, I analyse them and I assume everyone is manipulative. I think everyone is putting on an act, living a lie. I've seen it, a lie lived for years, I know how easy it can be for some people. I have built walls to protect myself, to keep people out, to stop them from being able to hurt me... All it does is hurt myself. It makes close relationships difficult. It makes people believe they don't really know me, and to be honest, most don't. But most have never really tried either. I can count on one hand the very few people that I have allowed to get close enough to see the pain. The few I have trusted to see the raw emotion and heartache that almost destroyed me. The ones who know the part that hurt the most was having no one fight for me.

I managed to move on with a brand new bunch of friends. Real friends, the kind you can get raw and honest answers from. The rare kind of friends that ...know, they just KNOW what you are trying to say and how you feel. The kind of people that don't judge, they just accept things the way they are. None of these new friends know the full story behind my marriage or divorce and none of them care. It's not important to them. And none of them has actually asked for a detailed account of what happened. Ironic really, the closest friends I have aren't bothered with the details, and the people who I barely speak to, that also don't know the story, are the people with strong opinions.

I am slowly learning to trust again. My theory is "It's not wrong to trust, it's wrong to abuse trust". I am slowly learning how to love too. Despite everything that has happened, I know that wasn't based on love. I think loving someone is the most pure of all emotions and brings such joy. You have no control over who you love, it just happens... It's hard to describe. They don't make you complete, you are already complete. They compliment you in a way that enhances all your qualities, they make you want to be a better person. You can't explain what it is... maybe it's intuition?

Some things you just don't question.


Jessie