When the nights have been too lonely and the days so sad:

"Just remember beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room. So if you see darkness in your life, just be reassured a beautiful picture is being prepared. And soon you will have a brand new healed scar to wear with pride. The time will be right to get out and explore the wonders of the world once again. After all, it is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."

If the truth is you're a liar...

There is just something about scars... I think they are beautiful. They represent the end of hurt, a closed and healed wound. A time where the rain that hides your tears is no longer your best friend. A sign of survival, a mark of strength and a reminder of what you are capable of. Sometimes scars are something to look forward to.

And wrinkles... I think they are magnificent. A true map of a life lived. What is it with wrinkles that makes people try and hide them? Everyone seems so worried and ashamed of wrinkles... I think they should be worn with pride, a badge of wisdom etched deep into the skin. There is extreme beauty in the marks our lives leave on our bodies. They make us who we are, without them and the experiences they came from, we wouldn't be the same. As much as most people want to be different, they want to have more and meet their expectation of perfection. In reality, we are all perfect the way we are. Perfectly unique... Actually, I don't believe that at all. As much as I would love to think its true, I believe there are a lot of people that are deliberately malicious. Cowardliness is not perfection, it is not beautiful and it is not O.K. I just wish these people were easier to identify. Maybe a flashing neon sign that screams "JERK ALERT" would help. At least it would be more obvious than someone who disguised themselves as your friend for the previous 20 years... I'm just saying!


Now that's out of my system (for now) I will get back on track. My point is this: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and sometimes perfection isn't perfect. Why is it, do you think, that we are drawn to our Grand Parents? I know for me, it was the wisdom, the stories - some of which I'm sure were exaggerated, if they weren't I don't know what all the fuss is about with "the youth of today". I would never DREAM of doing some of the things my Grand Father was said to have done! But it wasn't just the stories, supported by scars and wrinkles, which I could touch. I loved the texture of my grand mother's skin. It was so soft, thin and delicate but she was also so strong. A real contradiction. It was also the love, protection, guidance and general knowledge on everything that would draw me in time and time again. The life lessons, the opinions, the home remedies, the cooking and the honest interest in each others lives. The teacher and the student, the gap in generations that allowed the young and old to share openly without criticism. We love everything about them, we wouldn't change the way they look or smell or act. They are the people we most respect in our lives and yet we fight to be nothing like them. We fight aging when the alternative is to die young... There is seriously something wrong with our perception of the World.

It all comes down to equality. If people didn't have money to spend (read: waste) on things like plastic surgery and botox, we would ALL be wrinkly together, so no one would mind. If no one ironed their clothes... I mean what exactly does ironing achieve? I know it makes your clothes wrinkle free (this is how vain we really are, even our clothes can't have wrinkles) but it doesn't make you smarter or more successful, so what's the point? It's a waste of time that could be better spent with our families, or even cooking a decent meal. So, my solution to this problem is simple. Become a Hippie, embrace the free-love approach to life, don't iron your clothes, only work when you need to, never save any money, don't critisise other people and learn to laugh at yourself!

Too many people spend too much time and energy portraying a fake life to the world so they are perceived as being better / more successful / happier than they really are... That's not living. No wonder people want to hide their wrinkles, you can wear smile lines with pride, but the wrinkles left from frowning and lying make you look like you have the face of a smacked bum.

Jessie

Bring on the open roads! ...maybe...

Friday I had my last motorcycle lesson. It was my last lesson because despite all of my faults, or maybe because of them, Mark decided to give me my license...

It was fairly uneventful compared to my last three lessons. I didn't even stall the bike once! Maybe that's the only thing Mark wanted from me, or the only thing he was HOPING I would be able to manage. But apparently I surprised him with my extreme talent at emergency braking. What else do I really need to know? I take off like a "rocket launcher" - Mark's words... and I can stop in a hurry without stalling. I'm SET!!

The obsticle avoidance exercise was extremely boring, nothing like I thought it would be... Mark had a course set up with witches hats - no surprise at all! It was merely swerving, I've done heaps of that, not necessarily deliberately, but I have wobbled the bike all over the road which is very similar to swerving, right? The only difference was I had to pretend I was in control and remember when to pull the clutch in and brake. Oh, and there was the head check too, but I don't have to move my eyes off where I'm going, if I move my head, Mark thinks I'm doing it right.

We did some more road time, which was great but again Mark kept telling me to go faster. I WAS going faster, faster than I have any other time! So, I got my revenge on him... I got to ride up front for the first time, and I took off on him while giving him the "go faster" sign. As we pulled up at a set of lights, a laughing Mark informed me that we didn't need to catch the cars in front of us. I replied with a simple, "I know."

I was pretty proud of myself, no stalling, no falling off and generally nothing too stupid... or so I thought, until the very end of the ride when we were parking the bikes. Mark instructed me to park the bike next to him on the grass - easy enough... except the kickstand got stuck in the grass, and yep, I dropped the bike... onto myself. Luckily the bike is small and I'm pretty strong so I managed to catch it, push it back into place and get the stand down before running away from it. I turned around just in time to see Mark giggling at me. I guess that was his revenge for all the grey hairs I have given him.

It doesn't matter though, the end result is I passed!! Without any damage to me or the bike. YAY!! And on top of all that, I go straight onto my open license, so no giant "P" for me!!

Now it's time to buy a bike...


Jessie

Biker Chick

Today, was my third motorcycle lesson. It has been just over a week since my last lesson, and believe it or not, I have actually remembered most of the stuff Mark has taught me! I say, most, but in reality I have remembered pretty much everything, but Mark tends to change the way he asks his questions... and sometimes he changes his answers. I just can't win!

Mark was late again today but at least he is being consistent! He did seem less stressed when he saw me, so I guess that's a good sign... I mean he didn't sigh or groan or try to leave this time. Maybe it's because he knows this is the downhill run for us. I only have 2 hours left before I am set loose on the road, unaccompanied, unsupervised and unassisted. That seems to terrify me more than anyone! No, actually, it terrifies my parents more than me. They are convinced I will kill myself but they also have refused to buy me a bike helmet for my birthday. I have told them I NEED a helmet for when I fall off so I don't die, but that didn't go down too well... Some people have NO sense of humour! And I haven't even told them Mark's theory of "when your time's up, your time is up."

Today I was heaps better on the bike. I managed to ride for about an hour before stalling the bike. Again, I did it in a most graceful public manner. We had stopped at a set of lights, Mark reversed his bike up beside me to have a chat, as we do - he makes me tell him about my observations of the world, when I thought I would be really clever and point out the driver beside us reading a novel whilst driving. This would have been fine, if I didn't use my left hand... taking it off the clutch... Mark just looked down, shook his head and left me for dead. I honestly think he is proud of me. Why else would he leave me to sort it out myself?

We did heaps of on-road work today. Which is great, because I need the practise. Mark has said at the end of my next session (my LAST) that we will do some runs up and down the highway... I have said I NEED it, but it still scares me.... I mean it is a 250 that I have to ride! But, I guess it's better that I do it while I have Mark to pull me out from under a truck. At least I know he will abuse the truck driver. After today I realised how passionate Mark is about "wankers" that bully learner riders.

I had one of these drivers, male I might add, that decided to overtake both of us on a country road, in the middle of a blind curve. This was after he had been riding my back wheel for the previous 2km, even though I was already exceeding the speed limit. Mark previously told me if this happened to start with flicking my brake lights on and off to warn them to back off. If that didn't work, to drive through the gravelly debris on the road and flick it on the offending car all while moving around a lot on the bike so I was being unpredictable. I think I just pissed him off because he almost side swiped me on the way through, and then he had Mark to deal with. And what a show that was! Mark waited for the car to be beside him (in the wrong lane, on a blind corner) then he let loose! It was awesome! There was all sorts of hand gestures, starting with waving a middle finger and ending in a closed fist pumping back and forth from the front of his helmet area, effectively indicating Mark thought the guy in the car was a dickhead. He then matched the cars speed, stopping him from being able to merge back onto the left side of the road. I decided to back off at this point, figuring I would have to scrape Mark off the road in the next few minutes after this guy turned him into a blood sprinkler. Fortunately for me, (I'm not sure how I would cope with all that blood and muck), Mark let the guy go with a final fist shaking. All this before 9am... I'm not cut out for this kind of drama!

We then headed off to do some off-road work, which it turns out today the car park of choice was full. Which to me means we should go to one of the other car parks, but to Mark, it means I will have to be careful and not look at the cars or I will end up hitting one. We started with figure 8's and then moved to weaving, I thought we should have done it the other way around, and apparently he normally does but there was no room. In response to my protests of "Why would you do that to me? Throwing me in the deep-end? You know I get nervous!" Mark replied with, "Stop being a princess, you handled it! *wink*" It turns out I'm actually pretty good with the weaving and my figure 8's were a little shaky to start with, but came good after a few laps. Even with Mark yelling "look at the ground and see what happens!" and me yelling back "NO!! I will fall off!" I managed to survive and keep the bike upright the WHOLE time.

After leaving the car park, we did some more road time and I had the pleasant experience of encountering a garbage truck. Not only did I have issues with cars cutting me off to get around the truck, but I also had the joy of the glorious aromas of rotting garbage blowing straight into my face. The only positive I could get out of this situation was that Mark got cut off really badly and almost ran up the bum of a car. I found this amusing because he keeps hassling me about my following distance being too far... I managed to stop easily enough... I'm just saying!

Mark decided to give me some instruction before we continued on with our ride. He thought that I needed to be more aggressive and stand my ground more when riding. I tend to hang back and observe whats going on... if people want to merge, I let them in. I stop for red lights and I generally stick to the speed limit. These are all things Mark wants me to stop doing. So today, I tried... Unsuccessfully. I managed to stand my ground on two different cars that tried to cut me off and I hated every second of it! I just don't think it's very intelligent to take on a car or truck or pretty much anything while you are on a bike. Why would I stir them up? Why would I encourage them to dislike me? They can do a lot more damage to me than I can to them! Mark says they won't deliberately kill me while there are witnesses all around - NOT COMFORTING! So, I kept stopping at red lights, even if Mark didn't. I kept my distance, even with Mark telling me to hurry up and get closer and I kept letting cars merge into my lane. I think I will stand my ground on this one with Mark, I don't think he wanted me to be stubborn to him, but at least he can see me being stubborn, so it's not a complete failure!

My next session is meant to cover emergency braking and counter steering. I really want to know HOW Mark plans on doing this, because if it's not a surprise reaction, it's not an emergency. Which means it's not real. I have this image in my head of Mark throwing something at me to cause the emergency, which I'm sure he would LOVE, but I am likely to put the bike down if he does that... I guess we will see soon enough.


Jessie

Random ramblings of a crazy woman!

Ok, so this may be a little bit random, but do you ever wonder what other people's stories are? Like when you are out in public, whether it be at the shops, a restaurant, night club, beach or just anywhere and think about the possibilities of what could be happening in the lives of those around you?

I also wonder about dead people, how did they die? Why? Who was with them? What sort of life did they lead? Did they know they were dying and then, how did they cope? And most importantly what are their details so I can erase them out of the phone book? (Maybe the last bit isn't true... or maybe it is.) Anyway, enough about dead people, I seem to be one of very few people who have a fascination with them. Don't get me wrong, they scare the beejeebers out of me, I'm not COMPLETELY weird!

So, back to the living. I was out with a few friends not so long ago when I came across a girl in tears. This in itself is not unusual in the city nightlife scene I was in, but there was something about this girl. Maybe it was the copious amounts of alcohol I had ingested pushing my motherly instincts to insist I go to this girls aid, or maybe it was the genuine sadness in her eyes... I don't know, but whatever the reason, I met a very interesting young lady that night.

Her name is Jodie and she had been out partying with a group of her friends, celebrating her boyfriends birthday. They were all fairly drunk and enjoying life, as most people do, when Jodie had become upset. Her ever-caring (NOT) boyfriend, Cameron, had decided she was ruining his night so he and all their friends started to ignore her and kept partying on. Jodie managed to slip away from them unnoticed, I doubt that would have been very hard...  But here she was, drunk, upset and trying to find a cab. Maybe I'm being too judgemental towards her friends. Maybe it's because I know the story as to why Jodie was so upset. Or maybe letting a drunk and upset friend disappear by herself in the middle of the city goes against my beliefs.

It turns out Jodie's mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her parents had sat her down that very day to explain everything to her and her brother. They had explained that it was inoperable, that the cancer had spread throughout her body and she had only months to live. Her parents delivered this information as best as they could, trying to protect Jodie and her brother, but at the same time, trying to give them all the facts. Jodie, in her drunken state was still in awe at how brave her mum had been but devastated that she didn't even notice the changes in her parents. After a long family meeting, Jodie had said she would be staying home with her family instead of going out with her friends as planned. Her mum insisted she go, she told Jodie staying home wouldn't help... it wouldn't fix it and it wouldn't change the situation. Her mum encouraged her to live her life to the fullest, because you never know when it would be over. Her mum WANTED her to go.

A very brave Jodie managed to pull herself together to go out and celebrate with her friends. She hadn't told a soul about her mum... it wasn't right to tell her boyfriend on his birthday and she wasn't ready to share her burden yet anyway. Unfortunately after a dash of alcohol, Jodie was unable to contain her tears any longer and instead of being surrounded by loving and supportive friends, they deserted her in her time of need.

Now, anyone that knows me, would know that by this stage I had almost smothered and squeezed the life out of this poor girl. There was no way she was escaping my nurturing cuddles! And there was no way I was going to let her cry alone... Or maybe I had no choice in the matter and the salty water was running down my cheeks whether I liked it or not. This, I might add, has NOTHING to do with my drinking. I'm a sympathetic cryer.

After calming Jodie down and having a good chat about how wonderful her mum is, I managed to get her in a cab, safely on her way home. After waving goodbye, I realised a few things....

NEVER make assumptions about people.
ALWAYS have time for people in need.
WHERE the f*ck were my friends?
And waterproof mascara was a marketing ploy.

This situation with Jodie made me remember the last few times I had been out in public after hearing bad news and being upset. The first time, I had just learnt of my Uncle's sudden passing. My mum had called me (She was living in Brisbane and I was living at Mooloolaba.) in tears telling me that he was gone. I don't know why, but my reaction was very detached. Maybe I was in shock, or didn't believe it... I don't know, but I do know that my Uncle and I had been very close and he was still so young. We shared the same interests and spent days talking about decorating the house with Christmas lights then we would go on Christmas lights tours with him driving the bus for the oldies or the special kids. We also went to the zoo together and played practical jokes on everyone we could. He was an awesome man, a great Uncle and a loyal friend.

After hearing this news, I went on with my day as normal as possible. Obviously I kept thinking about it and every time my mind flicked back to the news, my heart would race a little bit more. My chest was starting to feel heavy and the sinking feeling in my heart and stomach was making me feel sick. I realised I had been aimlessly wandering around the supermarket, not concentrating and not actually shopping. So, I grabbed a few urgent things and headed to the register. This is where I found myself in trouble. Standing in a line without anything to occupy my mind was very hazardous. This is when I felt my eyes start to sting. This is when I knew it was real. This was really happening, my Uncle was really gone. I would never have the chance to say goodbye to him, to talk to him one more time, to hear anymore of his funny stories....

I don't know how, but I managed to keep the tears at bay. Luckily the checkout chick was so disappointed in her own life that she didn't even realise I was a person, let alone a person on the brink of a public balling session. The strangest part is, after that near public display it took me up until the funeral to be able to cry.


The next time I had a "situation" was when I was told I may have cancer. Not many people know this, but I had been having what were assumed to be allergic reactions to.... nothing in particular. They had been happening randomly and getting worse each time until one reaction affected my airway. I thought maybe it was time to see a Doctor. Basically, I was put on steroids and anti-histamines and had to wait for a specialist to see me. They ranked me as urgent so it only took a couple of months to get into the hospital. My G.P's instructions were "don't die waiting. If you have a reaction, get to hospital. With the progression and severity being shown in your attacks somewhere in the next 3 to 5 reactions, you will stop breathing." We had to work out an emergency plan for work and home and I had to have medication on me at all times.... I didn't think it was THAT serious.

The specialist I saw was just an absolute delight. A real charming older man with the personality of a sponge. When he read my case he acted like the whole thing was my fault because I worked with pets. However, after many tests, appointments, questions, poking, prodding and head scratching he decided that it couldn't be an allergic reaction but there was something causing my body to react as if I was allergic. And something was making me look yellow and have enlarged lymph nodes. It started to get a little bit crazy when I was sitting in my backless gown, freezing to death (lucky I kept my socks on) while 3 doctors argued over what could be wrong with me. It was kinda like an episode of House. They spoke as if I wasn't there and started throwing around the "C" bomb. I actually don't remember a lot of what was said after this, but I do know they were testing me for cancer markers.

It was quite a long wait from being given this information and having the tests done to when I actually got the results. At first I thought they were being ridiculous. I was fine, hadn't had an episode in ages... at least two weeks, and I was feeling ok. But after eventually telling my parents what was going on, I took my cue from them and started to get a bit anxious. Don't get me wrong, they were the most supportive and positive people I could have asked for, but I also knew they were worried.

As I left the hospital alone, I was in my own world, a million miles away. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think and to be honest I probably shouldn't have been driving. I only realised how bad I was when I pulled into the servo to get petrol... I ALWAYS run out of petrol at the worst times! I think this is the day I started to be loyal to Shell service stations. I had never paid too much attention before, but I can tell you now, EVERY time I step foot into a Shell servo, I am greeted with a friendly, bubbly and genuinely interested employee. On this particular day I remember the employee asking the usual questions and I could barely reply, so I kept my head down and gave short mumbled replies. As this lovely lady was handing me my change, she grabbed my hand in hers, looked me in the eye and asked if I was really ok... I just looked at her with tears in my eyes and she said, "it's ok to lean on people sometimes." This lady, this stranger had no idea what was going on in my life, nor did she ask for details, she just wanted me to know that people care and people notice. But the reality is most people don't notice...

The good news is I don't have cancer. Well, apparently it's wrong of me to say that (says Dr Personality-of-a-sponge) But I argued with him that I am cancer free unless proven otherwise! It turns out I am allergic to dogs, cats, cows, horses, guinea pigs, dust, dust mites... I don't remember what else. But it is a developed minor allergy, nothing to explain the reactions I was having. The cause is still unknown, but as long as I feel ok and all my test results have been good, I'm not worried about it at all.

But my point is this: Don't judge people, you have no idea what is going on in their lives. No idea at all. But wouldn't it be great to know????


Jessie

Life Rules!

I am about to move house, yet again, so I am sorting through all of my "junk" to see what I should keep, throw out or donate to charity. I hate moving so I am procrastinating as much as possible in the hope that a swarm of fairies will invade overnight and do all my packing (and cleaning) for me, but to assist with my procrastination and avoidance technique I keep finding things I had long since forgotten about. All sorts of things, from old diaries (I had to burn them to make sure they were REALLY gone!) to crazy photos, videos and clothes. These discoveries are causing some pretty major distractions and are the reason why I have only packed 5 boxes. Unfortunately those 5 boxes are all books so it doesn't look like I have done ANY packing at all but at least I know the most important stuff is packed!

Today, I re-discovered a list of life rules that I had written for myself a long time ago. The discovery of this list has made me realise how many of my values, ethics and morals have stayed the same but had lost their importance. Or maybe they were still important but I just made exceptions to these rules because I thought the situation was different, that the rules didn't apply. Finding this list made me see that I had compromised.... I had made excuses.... I had sold-out on myself.

Now I think it's time for a fresh start. New house, new attitude, new beginnings. It's time to get the balance back, to sort out my life, to recharge and come back better than ever. Strength, direction and respect for myself are my priorities and it will all start with a refreshed list of Lfe Rules! ...Well, that's the plan, it means I have to put off packing for a bit longer too!



My Life Rules:

1) Don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.

2) Love lots, trust a few, do wrong to none.

3) Be honest, to yourself.

4) No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

5) If doing something has the potential to make you happy and it's not at the expense of someone else's happiness - do it!

6) Don't save things for special occasions, everyday is special.

7) Your friends and family are the most important parts of your life, don't take them for granted.

8) Don't let the sun set on an argument. Agree to disagree.

9) Follow your dreams. You are never given a dream without the ability to achieve it.

10) If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

11) Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Always choose life.

12) Pay off your credit card every month.

13) Learn the rules so you can break them properly.

14) Cry with someone, its more healing than crying alone.

15) What other people think of you, is none of your business!

16) Make peace with the past so it won't screw up the present.

17) Get rid of anything that isn't useful, joyful or beautiful.

18) When in doubt, just take the next small step.

19) Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20) When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take "no" for an answer.

21) No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22) Keep life in perspective: In 5 years time, will this matter?

23) Laugh when you can and apologise when you should.

24) Love deeply, forgive quickly.

25) Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

26) You will never fly with someone else's wings, so live your life, not theirs.


This was my old list, I don't think there is much I would change on there to be honest... Maybe I should just condense it down so it's easier to remember!


Back to packing....

Jessie

The not so simple art of Love

Over the last few months I have been thinking a lot about love. What it means, how it would feel... but how do you know when you have found it? Do you just KNOW? Is it something you fight because it's new and scary? Or is it so natural and so right that you just go with it? You just take a chance because despite knowing that taking a chance is a huge risk of losing so much, not taking that chance is an even bigger risk? Love has the potential to be the biggest source of happiness for each and every one of us, but if our perception of love is wrong, if it's only one sided... is that really love? Is it possible to love someone who doesn't love you back? And how much effort should it really take? I mean it should be equal amounts but how hard is too hard? This is what I have come up with so far:

You know it's love when that person makes you feel like home. Incomparable, safe and where you belong. They're your first and last thought every day... And they fill your thoughts at all the times in between. They're the one who is on your side, even when you're wrong. They protect you when you are too tired to fight for yourself. The one you can trust with your deepest thoughts, emotions, dreams and fears. They don't judge you and they validate your feelings, even the irrational ones. They challenge you to do better, to be better.

When the going gets tough and you think giving up is the only answer. When you put your walls up and push everyone away, they are the person who see's straight through this act... this game. They see the real you. The hurt, pain and fear that it takes to make you feel and act like you need this person in your life so bad that your only option is to push them away. They see your fighting hands and know it doesn't represent a fighting heart. They know it's self preservation. Protection from a vulnerability of reliance on another soul. Sometimes you just need to push the limits. To see how much a heart can take before it breaks. Sometimes you just need to make mistakes, and no matter what, that person that loves you is right there with you. Making their own mistakes and helping you survive your mistakes. Deafening silences and angry words that betray your true feelings and sting on delivery are never held against you. Scores are not kept, jealousy is kept at a healthy level and no one is put on a pedestal. There is equality and value. There is nothing an apology can't fix... almost nothing.

They let you escape reality to your world of fantasy and disillusion and they share that same world, right there beside you. When you think the world has given up on you, they hold your hand tight and remind you why the lows are worth it. They share the joy of your highs and support your crazy ideas. They are proud of you and want the whole world to know that they are the luckiest person in the world to have you. They are the one who always has the time to tell you how special you are. No matter how hard their day has been they can always give you a cuddle, a smile and kind words. When darkness has filled your world, when you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel, they are the one who lights it for you.

They understand... They get it... They get you...

That's when you know.

Jessie

Kadison

To all of the Angel Babies, gone too soon.

I wanted you so much. I have always wanted you. I was so excited when I discovered you were on the way. Yes, I was shocked and surprised, you were our miracle baby and I loved you instantly, more than life itself. I thought this was it, this was the start of something beautiful, the beginning of our life together. I never expected anything to go wrong...

I had all of the symptoms; morning sickness that lasted all day, sore breasts, and I felt so very tired. I didn't mind though because you would have been worth it. You were worth it. You ARE worth it. I would have done anything to keep you and I would do anything to have you back.

I will never understand why you didn't stay with me. You were all I thought about, I had such hopes and dreams for you. I just knew you would have been perfect. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mother. I had waited a long time to have my dream fulfilled and now it would be... or so I thought so then.

I feel so empty and alone since you left me.. left us. And even though you were only a part of my life for a very short time, I will never forget you. I never thought it was possible to feel such a love and longing for someone. Your daddy and I created you, a sweet, innocent little life. A piece of each of us, made with love, a precious gift but not ours to keep. It hurts so much to know I will never hold you, never see you smile, never hear you giggle. It doesn't seem right when I wanted you more than anything in the world.

I know I have to let you go to fly free with all the other Angel Babies, but it's so hard to do... I know you would have stayed if you could. You were such a fighter, you fought to exist and you fought to stay but it wasn't to be. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault and it wasn't your daddy's fault. You just couldn't stay. But even though you aren't here, you are always with us. Three hearts beating as one. Your daddy's and my heart beat to the same rhythm, in time with yours, our Angel Baby. Today, tomorrow and for always. No matter what happens we will always share our love for you.

I miss you. I miss your daddy talking to you through my tummy. I miss knowing you were there, but most of all I miss the life that we would have had with you. All of the milestones, the good times, the bad times. We would never have the chance to teach you to crawl or watch you take your first step. Your first tooth, your first day at school, first love and heartbreak... I wonder what your first word would have been? What you would be like, would you want to play sport or a musical instrument? What would your dreams be made of? What would you aspire to be? This is the life we will never know with you. The life we could have had, the life we should have had... The life we were given a tiny glimpse of before it was taken away from us.

You would have been the centre of our world.


From all of the Mummy's and Daddy's without Babies.