If you find yourself in Hell, keep walking before the Devil realises you were there.

This blog is dedicated to all the people who have stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room they call their world.

Depression.

What does it mean? A word shrouded in opinions. Professional opinions, judgemental opinions, uneducated opinions, qualified opinions and the numb opinions of those who live it every single day. I have thought about this word, this condition, and what it means... What is a simple definition? Something everyone can relate to? Is there such a thing? Probably not, but here is my attempt:

"Depression is the inability to construct a future. It is anger without enthusiasm. It is darkness. It is pain. It is loneliness."

I need to point out here that I am no expert on Depression or Mental Illness of any description. This is just my interpretation of what I have observed, heard and felt. I am merely telling my story:

My generation has had no Great War, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives. Our lives are never enough. There is always more, always a hole that needs to be filled. Everything we sought to make us happy, everything we thought would make us complete always made room for a new hole. We are never complete. We are a puzzle with missing pieces.

We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. And we are not freaks.

For some of us, the thought and act of never being able to attain the unattainable is too much to bare. For others, waking up from a terrifying nightmare only to realise you were never asleep is the sickening reality of hitting rock bottom. And instead of seeing rock bottom as good solid ground, or a dead end as a place to turn around. It is seen as the end. A blockade from moving on, from finding happiness or wholeness... the loss of your chance to feel complete.

Some people say that suicide is an easy way out. It's for weak people, it's gutless and selfish. But in reality, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to God and say, "Screw you! You can't fire me, because I quit!" It takes strength to be able to harm yourself knowing that you will cause immense pain to those who love you... BUT, this is not how suicidal people think, well, not in my limited experience. Because in their minds, NO ONE loves them, no one cares, and there is no one to go to because most of the time, no one else exists in this world of self loath and hate. Ending this existence couldn't possibly impact anyone else. No one would even notice. Maybe the act of ending life, removing yourself from being a burden is a selfless act, or maybe it is done to end the all consuming pain. The pain that can only be known to someone that has felt it, lived it, lived WITH it. Because maybe, just maybe that's all that exists in this dark world. Not feelings, not other people, not ration, not freedom and certainly not hope. There is no difference between day and night other than the changing of the nightmares.

Some people are lucky, they have people close enough to notice the difference between a real smile and the smile of an actor. They intervene before the darkness is all consuming. But is there a cure? Is there a way out? Can you really stop the progression of something you can't see? Some people say medication helps, some people say a lifestyle changes help, some people say nothing helps... I know distancing yourself from these people makes them think you are "better", depression makes you a good liar. Is it lying if you do it to protect yourself or the person you are lying to? Is it lying if you say "I'm ok", because you don't know what's wrong? Is it wrong to not want to be put on medication? Being drugged beyond feeling anything, being unable to react or feel any emotion, struggling to stay awake and fighting dizziness while awake is suppose to be better... Maybe it is, but it's still not living. Maybe it just buys us time for our brains to heal.

Everyone is different, everyone feels things differently, different people have different triggers and everyone reacts differently. There is so little known about Mental Illness and so much stigma surrounds the subject that it is difficult for people to talk about it. It is common for sufferers to believe they are alone, that it is a state of mind, something to be ashamed of. But the truth is, it is real, an illness and it is more common than you think.

Everyone has the right to make their own decisions. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, just like you can't fly with someone else's wings. Everyone has their own journey and their own story to create. Don't judge anyone until you have walked in their shoes....

Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Jessie